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In this
section we will be including some funnies, silly pictures & videos, jokes etc and we
invite you to send us some stuff. These pages will be regularly updated to keep the
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Last
Edited
02/01/2008
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Note:
The funnies page does
contain some material and language that may offend some of you! If you are
easily offended or under 18 years of age don't look and if you do look then stiff shit OK!
You were warned. |
Foolish images
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This
little selection of Q's & A's are some of
my personal favourites and are guaranteed to offend at
least some!
A couple was sitting
up waiting for their 15 year old son to come
home froma social engagement when the boy came
into the house with a big smile on is face.
"Hi, Mom!
Hi, Dad! he said breathlessly. "Guess what!
I've just had sex for the first time, and it was
wonderful!"
His mother turned
red and said to her husband, "He's your
son. You talk to him". Then she left the
room.
The father said
"Son, that's great. Now you've become a man
and I'm proud of you. I'm going to celebrate the
occasion by buying you that ten-speed bike
you've been wanting. I hope you don't mind
waiting till pay-day to get it".
"That's OK,
Dad", said the boy. "I couldn't ride
it right now anyway.
My ASS is too
sore...
A
duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any
Bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no
bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got
any f**king bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We
haven't got any fucking bread,
ask me again and I'll nail your fucking
beak to the bar you irritating bastard of a
fucking
bird!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No"
Duck says: "Got any bread?
Q:
What's blue and fucks old people? A:
Hypothermia
**********************************************************************
Q: What's the first thing a woman does when
she gets out of the battered wives' shelter?
A: The housework, if she knows what's fuckenwell
good for her
**********************************************************************
Q: How do you swat 200 flies at one time?
A: Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying
pan.
**********************************************************************
Q: What is the definition of "making
love"?
A: Something a woman does while a guy is
fucking her.
**********************************************************************
Q: What do 54,000 abused woman every year have
in common?
A: They don't fuckingwell listen.
**********************************************************************
Q: What's yellow and green and eats nuts?
A: Gonorrhea
**********************************************************************
Q. How can you tell a macho woman?
A. She rolls her own tampons.
**********************************************************************
Q. Why do fags like ribbed condoms?
A. Better traction in the mud.
**********************************************************************
Q. What's the difference between a woman and a
sheep?
A. The sheep doesn't get upset if you fuck her
sister.
**********************************************************************
Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A. Marry her.
**********************************************************************
Q. What do you get when you cross two black
people?
A. Your ass kicked.
**********************************************************************
Q. What is the difference between a drug
dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it
again.
**********************************************************************
Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A. Because women don't get blow jobs while
they're driving.
**********************************************************************
Q. What's the difference between mayonnaise
& semen?
A. Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of the
throat at thirty miles an hour.
**********************************************************************
Q. Why do women call PMS PMS?
A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
**********************************************************************
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off
a cliff in your new car.
**********************************************************************
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own
name.
**********************************************************************
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
**********************************************************************
Q. How can you tell if you're at a bulimic
bachelor party?
A. The cake jumps out of the girl.
**********************************************************************
Q. What's the difference between oral sex
& anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes
your hole weak.
**********************************************************************
Q. How is pubic hair like parsley?
A. You push it to the side before you start
eating.
**********************************************************************
Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
A. You know she'll swallow.
**********************************************************************
Q. Why don't they teach driver's education and
sex education on the same Day in Iraq?
A. They don't want to wear out the camel.
**********************************************************************
Q. What's the difference between a Catholic
wife and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake
jewellery.
**********************************************************************
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and
a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
*********************************************************************
Q. How do you know when it's time to wash
dishes and clean the house?
A. Look inside your pants; if you have a
penis, it's not time.
**********************************************************************
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice
safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the
sheep that kick.
**********************************************************************
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!
Now,
on a more serious note!
I
Really Hate:
1. People who point at their wrist while
asking for the time.... I know where my watch
is, where the fuck is yours?
Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the
toilet is?
2. People who are quite willing to get off their
arse to search the entire room for the TV
remote because they refuse to walk to the TV
and change
the channel manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to
have your cake and eat it too".
Fucking right! What good is a cake if you
can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last
place you look". Of course it is.
Why the fuck would you keep looking after
you've found it?
Do people do this?
Who and where are they?
5. When people say while watching a film
"did you see that?"
No cockhead, I paid money to come to the cinema
and stare at the fucking floor.
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a
question?"
Didn't really give me a choice there, did you
sunshine?
7. When something is "New and Improved"!
Which is it? If it's new, then there has never
been anything before it.
If it's an improvement, then there must have
been something before it.
8. When people say "life is short."
What the fuck?? Life is the longest damn thing
anyone ever fucking does!!
What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and
someone asks "Has the bus come yet?"
If the bus came would I be still standing
here, Cockhead?
Two
old ladies were sitting on a bench having a quiet
chat when a
flasher approached from across the park.
He stood right in front of them and opened his
trench coat,
exposing himself.
One of the ladies immediately had a stroke.
The other lady, being older and more feeble,
couldn't reach that far...
A
vampire bat came flapping in from the night;
face all covered
in fresh blood, and parked himself on the roof
of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon
all the other bats smelt the blood and began
hassling him about where he got it.He told them
allto piss off and let him get some sleep, but
they persisted
until he finally gave in. "OK, follow
me", he said tiredly, and flew out of the
cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river
and into a huge forest of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats
excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out
for blood.
"Do you see that large oak tree over
there?" he asked. "YES, YES,
YES!!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good!" said the first bat,
"Because I fuckingwell didn't!
New Age
Rhymes
Not quite
as I remember them.......
Mary had a little skirt with splits right up the
sides and every time that Mary walked the boys
could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt that was split right up
the front and every time that Mary walked the
boys could see her..............
well, she didn't wear that one very often
Little
Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet, her knickers all
tattered and torn, It wasn't the spider that sat
down beside her,
But Little Boy Blue with the horn.
Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman, What have you
got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon, Pies, you dickhead.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men,
said "F*#k him, He's only an egg.
Mary had a little lamb it ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up it's arse and turned it's
wool to nylon.
Georgie Porgy pudding and pie.
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, cause he was gay.
Little Boy Blew.
Hey. He needed the money.
Pop
Stars Night Out
Elton John, Robbie Williams
and Kylie Minogue went out for a night in London
town. As they left the nightclub, Kylie
slipped and got her head stuck between the
railings of the fence opposite the club. Robbie
decided to take full advantage of this and
lifted up her skirt and gave her a good
rogering.
"Its your turn now, Elton" grinned
Robbie but Elton started crying. Robbie asked
"Why are you crying, Elton? What's
wrong?"
Elton sobbed "I can't get my head between
the railings!"
Little
Red Riding Hood
Little
Red Riding Hood is skipping down the
road when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down
behind a log.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf"
The wolf got up and ran away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees
the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind
a bush.
"My, what big ears you have Mr. Wolf"
Again, the wolf gives her a strange look, jumps up
and runs away.
About 2 miles down the road, Little Red Riding
Hood sees the wolf again, and this time he is
crouched behind a rock.
"My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf".
At this the wolf jumps up and screams" Listen
Riding Hood, will you fuck off, I'm trying to take
a shit!
Toe
Bonk
A
man fell asleep on the beach one day and the
wind came up
and blew sand all over him until he was
covered with only his big toe
sticking out.
A nympho was walking down the beach, saw the
toe sticking up,
she pulled down her bikini bottom and squatted
over the toe.
She humped away until she was satisfied,
pulled up her drawers and left.
The guy woke up, brushed the sand away and
left, not knowing what
happened.
The next day his foot itched like hell, and
had a sore on it.
He went to the Doctor and after an exam the
doc told him he had syphilis
of the big toe.
"Syphilis of the big toe?", he
inquired, "isn't that rare."
The doc said
"Yes, but if you think that's rare, I had
a woman in here this morning
with athlete's twat.
OUCH!
A
married man left work early one Friday
afternoon and instead of going home he
squandered the weekend (and his pay cheque)
partying with the boys. When he finally
returned home on Sunday night he ran into a
barrage of epithets from his wife. After a
couple of hours nagging and berating, she
asked "How would you like it if you
didn't see me for a couple of days?"
"That would just suit me fine", the
bloke said. Monday went by and he didn't
see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went
by>with the same result. On Thursday the
swelling went down a bit and he could see her
a little out of the corner of his left eye.
One
For The Single
Girls...........................
A
girl walks into a supermarket and buys the
following:
A
bar of soap
1
toothbrush and1 tube of toothpaste
1
loaf of bread
1
pint of milk
1
apple
1
banana
1
orange
1
peach
1
plum
1
tomato
1
lettuce
1
cabbage
1
potato
1
museli bar
1
pie
box
of cereal
1
frozen dinner
1
single frozen pizza
The
checkout guy looks at her, smiles, and says
"Single huh?"
The
girl blushes, smiles sheepishly and replies,
"How did you guess?"
He
says, "'Coz you're fucken ugly"
Be
Careful Of What You Ask Kids!
A
group of kindergartners were trying to become
accustomed to the first
grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that
the teacher insisted on no
baby talk. "You need to use 'big people'
words, she'd always remind them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the
weekend. "I went to visit my
Nana." "No, you went to visit your
Grandmother. Use big people words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
"I took a ride on a choo-choo."
The teacher said "No, you took a ride on
a TRAIN. Use big people words."
She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I
read a book," he replied.
"That's
WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What
book did you read?"
Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his
little chest with great pride
and said, "Winnie the SHIT."
Assholes!
Click
Here to find out how to deal with them!!
The
Latest Darwin Awards!
This
year's Darwin awards! It's that time again .
. . . . They are finally out again.
You all know about the Darwin Awards -
It's an annual honour given to the
person who did the human gene pool the
biggest service by killing themselves
in the most extraordinarily stupid
way.
Last
year's winner was the fellow who was
killed by a Coke machine which toppled over
on top of him as he was attempting to
tip a free soda out of it.
Click Here for
more of this kind of stupidity!
Dinner
Conversation
WOMAN: What would
you do if I died? Would you get married
again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being
married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on
her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you replace my pictures with
hers?
MAN: Eventually, that would seem like the
proper thing to do.
WOMAN: Would she use my golf clubs?
MAN: No, she's left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: Shit.....
Hey Dad!
A young boy went up to
his father and asked him,
The father thought for
a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if
she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask
your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars,
and ask your brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a
million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his
mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert
Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of
course I would.
I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with
Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Would I? I
would just love to
do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with
Tom
Cruise for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother
replied. "Do you
know how much a million could buy?"
The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad. His
father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between
potentially
and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're sitting on three
million
dollars, but realistically, we're living with two sluts and a
fag."
Not 'Till We're Married
A couple and have been
dating for quite some time. He really wanted her bad,
but she won't sleep with him because she was saving herself for marriage.
As they were kissing, and doing their thing, he was getting hot, and he
said, "Oh come on, just a feel."
She said, "No, I'm saving myself for marriage." They went back
and forth. He said, "Just one feel, I promise, that's all, just one
feel."
She finally agreed, "Okay, just one feel, but that's all, just one,
I'm saving myself for marriage."
So he put his hand down her panties and copped a little feel. Things are getting
a lot warmer and he asked, "Can't we please?"
Naturally she said, "NO, I'm saving myself for marriage."
He begged, "Please, please?" and she said, "No,
absolutely not, I'm saving myself for marriage."
He tried, "How about if I agree to only just put the tip in?"
She said,
"No way, I'm saving myself for marriage."
He begged and pleaded with her, "I promise, just the tip, no more,
and we'll stop after that." She finally gave in, "Okay, but
just the tip, no more, and that's all."
He agreed, pulled down her panties and put the tip in... by now he just couldn't
control himself, shoved the whole thing in and started going
to town.
Meanwhile, she was moaning and groaning and shouted, "OKAY, GO
AHEAD, PUT IT IN ALL THE WAY!"
A little stunned, he
said, "NO, absolutely not, a deals a deal!"
Tarzan
When
Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle, she was very physically attracted to
him. During her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for s.e.x.
"Tarzan not know s.e.x." he replied.
Jane gently explained to him what s.e.x. was.
Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use a hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong but don't worry, will
show you
how to do it properly."
She took off her clothes and laid down on the ground. "Here," she
said, "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick
in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What did
you do that for?"
Tarzan replied, "Tarzan check for squirrels"!
The
Monkey
A
guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and
while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he
grabs some sliced limes and eats them.
Then he jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls,
sticks it in his mouth and, to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy "Did you see what your monkey did?!"
The guy says "No what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool
table -- whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me" replied the guy "He eats
everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and
leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He
orders a drink and
monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on
the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The
bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he
asks.
"No what?" replied the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, pulled it out and ate
it!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats
everything in sight but, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures
everything first."
Liar!
A lady
goes into a bar and sees a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He has
the biggest feet she's ever seen. The woman asks the cowboy if it's true what
they say about men with big feet.
The cowboy says, "Sure is, why don't you come back to my place and let me
prove it?"
The woman figures why not and spends the night with him. The next day she hands
the cowboy a $100 bill.
Blushing he says, "I'm flattered, nobody has ever paid me for my services
before."
To this the woman says, "Well don't be, take this money and buy yourself
some boots that fit!"
One For
The Girls!
During a recent publicity
outing, Mary-Lee sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute.
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered
grave news.
"There's
no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a
widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Mary-Lee
stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then
down at her hands. She flipped her grey locks back and took a few deep
breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know.
She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her
question.
"Will
I be acquitted?"
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